Should’ve Stuck with the “No”

From the beginning he pressed. That was a red flag in a way. There is a difference between being persistent and just plain pushy. Later I would see he was never persistent in anything meaningful or inspirational, never persistent in a goal that didn’t involve his ego. He was only persistent in his attempts to control, and his attempts to maintain a facade. The first time we met was at a Valentine’s Day party at lounge that turned into a nightclub after a certain time. I had made a resolution that year to get out more and do things for me. I was always so wrapped up in my daughter’s life, well creating one for her, that I was neglecting my own. A friend of mine had invited me out and darn it I was gonna take him up on the offer.

I had a blast dancing, mingling, drinking and just having an all around good time. Before calling it a night, I did what most women do and went to the restroom to straighten up before leaving. After wiping the sweat from all exposed skin areas, fixing my hair and straightening my bra, I turned to head out. Seemingly out of nowhere a man leaned in very close and introduced himself. He stuck his hand out for a shake. I don’t remember if I shook it or not.

“Can I buy you a drink?” he asked.

“No, I gotta go.” I told him.

He pressed again, “Just one drink.”

“No, I’ve had enough and I gotta drive. I’m leaving.”

Not interested. Plus I had to pick up my daughter by a certain time, so even if I did want to have another, I’d have to take it with me.

“You don’t have time for just one drink?”

“Damn!” I thought.

“Okay, one drink.” I told him.

Ugh, I was too nice. I should’ve just continued with the No. I only accepted his offer pretty much to get him to stop pressing and leave me alone. Once I got the drink I could make brief small talk then head out. We walked over to the bar, since I didn’t really want a drink I told him to order whatever. He didn’t know what to order for me and ended up letting the bartender choose. He was tall, light skinned, not particularly attractive, but not ugly. Didn’t seem at all like my usual type so I didn’t think much further about it at that time. I slid in a comment about having to pick up my daughter hoping that the talk of a child in this setting would be a deterrent. No such luck. He just asked how old she was. I figured he must’ve saw the way I was dancing and decided that he was gonna try to get me home. Typical.

Once the drinks were in hand, I reiterated that I had to go pick up my little one and he offered to walk me to my car. Oookay. I had parked far; we were at the Bellagio and I had parked at Caesar’s Palace. These strip casinos look close together, but when you’re actually walking it you quickly realize they are not close at all. As we walked of course we talked, he seemed polite, but most of all I thought it was sweet that he walked with me all that distance. The conversation along the way softened me up and once we got to my car we exchanged numbers, though initially I had been intent in my own mind on not giving it to him.

I sent him a text when we exchanged numbers, thanking him in German, as that was the language I was studying at the time. He could look up what the words meant, would do him some good to learn something new. I really do wish it would’ve been left at that. That was a Saturday night. I figured he would call me between Wednesday and Thursday of the following week. He called me the very next day.

Some people say you should never regret, but I have never agreed with that statement. I regret several things, and getting involved with my ex is one of the biggest. Mostly because nothing I went through seemed to be worth having gone through it with him. There was no love there, on either side. For me, I never felt in love; that love for another, that longing, those butterflies, none of that ever happened with him. That was a major red flag of the most obvious kind. For him, it was more about image and control than true love. He never loved me for who I was, but rather for the idea of me, the image he thought he could mold me into, mold us into, and (falsely) project to others in an attempt to pretend his life was something it really wasn’t.

Life is a lesson, an experience, a journey. The same lessons and experiences will show up throughout life’s journey until you get the point and choose to transform those experiences into knowledge, and wisdom. Once you do that you gain freedom; the freedom that knowledge brings. You open yourself up to better and more positive experiences because you have a true understanding of how to make life what you want it to be.

Those who do not understand this live in the negative. Some are like a black hole, something completely absent of light. Like a black hole they don’t create, but will take. Others are completely unaware of the light they truly posses, and can fall victim to the latter. Those who cannot create often pretend, for that is the only way they can truly have. The same people who, for example, will pretend that they believe Black Lives Matter will turn a blind eye to the abusive, manipulative, or otherwise negative behavior of one of their own, or even themselves.

Don’t ever stop your train for someone who doesn’t make you feel all the wonderful feelings love brings about, not even if they’re stopping their train for you. You will only be wasting your time and theirs in the long run. If you want to stop and see what life has to offer with someone else, by all means! That’s what makes life exciting! But on the other side of the coin, if they are not willing to do the same for you and match your intensity, keep moving. If they don’t excite and inspire you and vice versa, move along. Never conform to what someone else wants, being yourself is the best thing on earth you can be.

See, for him, he stopped and even when it was obvious that I was not willing to do the same, he still pressed on trying to force it. Love cannot be forced, no relationship can be forced and work properly; they must grow naturally. Trying to control another won’t work either. If you have to tell someone how to be, how to treat you in every regard, if you can’t appreciate their idiosyncrasies or vice versa, it’ll never work. Each has to be free to be their own, and the other has to love them for it, not necessarily in spite of it.

I fought against that relationship with my ex because I knew and felt that this person did not truly appreciate me for who I was. Then I fought against myself when I began to believe that maybe this person was right in his claims that I wasn’t trying hard enough to love someone who seemed to love me so much. Now I see, that was manipulation and trying isn’t necessary when it comes to love. Trying isn’t necessary when it comes to any relationship, but we’ve convinced ourselves it is.

There will always be times when you have to work through negative sentiments, but true love and caring possess the energy within them that will motivate one to do what is necessary to love the right way. Everything will come naturally because love itself is natural. And yes, there is a right way to love, just as there is a wrong way to love. Simply put, loving the right way involves balance and reciprocation of all that is good. Loving the wrong way is, of course, exactly the opposite.

My intuition knew my ex wasn’t the one; all I had to do was be firm. Me not listening to myself ended up being a pattern in that relationship, as it had been at other times in my life. I could hear all the time, and acted on what I heard often, but I also allowed myself to be manipulated. If you feel it in your heart or your gut, it’s probably true, but you have to get in tune and know exactly what it is you’re feeling. Untrained emotions and ignorance can get in the way, so introspection is needed to bring clarity.

Not listening to your intuition damages the relationship with self that each of us needs. The decisions I regret making the most are the ones in which I did not listen to my own advice. Now, as I rebuild that trust in myself, I can clearly see that no one knows what would make me happy but me, and allowing myself to be expressed is of utmost importance. My existence is better in every way and experiences are real and truly felt. You don’t have that when you pretend, when you smile for the camera but your (inner) truth is nothing to smile about. It is for this reason that before we can recognize the red flags in others, we must first recognize them within ourselves. If you allow your experience to be superficial, you will only attract those whose experience is the same. For me, this is how it happened…

*Music by Oddisee – Born Before Yesterday