Let it Go
#Frozen
When someone doesn’t want you intimately, you gotta just let them go. The inability to let go leads to controlling, stalking, and abusive behavior, which were all things my ex did to me. Someone who cannot physically let go is desperate and desperation comes from lack. Lack in this case means someone has nothing within their self, not enough love for self to exist on an individual level because someone or something outside of them composes their identity. It is like codependency, which is also unhealthy.
Of course there are circumstances to be considered. There may be cause for someone to have trouble letting go, say if you up and leave them out of the blue after years and children together. However, an inability to let go should not be mistaken for love because it is quite the opposite; it is selfish. Someone who truly loves you will want you to be happy even if not with them. They will want you to be comfortable and would never want to be the source of your angst. Someone who loves you but can see that your relationship is not working will let go to prevent stress or struggle. They would never want to see you in such states because of them.
In order to love another in the first place, you must be overflowing with love for yourself, and that which overflows can be given. This goes both ways. I have come to understand this because I have loved and been loved by another in the right way. My experience with my ex was a reminder of what love is, what it isn’t and that I am fortunate to truly know the difference. Had I not known the difference, I may have stayed in that relationship.
Cure the Insecure
Excuse me but, your self-esteem is showing
A very common red flag that can be seen in any type of relationship is insecurity. Insecure people will try to put you through a very subtle test I like to call the Insecurity Test. People who employ this behavior are insecure themselves, but looking to gauge or test your level of insecurity so they know where they stand with you. Those of us who are confident, have a powerful presence or attractive personality can walk into a room and immediately be targeted by the insecure. You will steal what little light they have and because they live in lack (on the inside) they will not want to share the attention with you. This is because they do not understand the concept of abundance; they cannot create. They are already at a disadvantage because they have not yet come to love themselves inside and out to the point where they can acknowledge their own flaws and either love them or actively work on them.
The insecurity test involves people making snide comments about you such as “you’re not that tough” or “you’re halfway cute”, or they will take inexplicably rude or pushy tones with you, they may have a bad attitude towards you, or constantly try to compare themselves to you, bring up your flaws, and all of this for seemingly no reason. The comments are really an expression of what these people feel about themselves, but they are looking to see your reaction as that will tell them if you’re level of insecurity is lower than theirs.
Being insecure is incredibly common, but is also very easy to spot. Not all people with heavy insecurities are assholes, and not all insecurities are expressed in the ways I’ve described. My ex was incredibly insecure and in the beginning he tried to point out my flaws often. It didn’t take him long to realize that his comments had no effect on me, and eventually he stopped and focused his negative energy elsewhere. It wasn’t until after our second breakup that he really began complimenting me. But because I know myself, know I’m beautiful inside and out, know my flaws, and love myself I was able to deflect his attempts to bring me down in this way. His comments showed me more clearly where he stood with himself than they did anything about me.
Had I not had the level of self love, respect, and confidence that I do surely the entire relationship would have been even more devastating, and I may even still be in it. But the fact that I got into a relationship with him at all showed me exactly where I was lacking. Though I know I’m many great things, I was lacking in my understanding of what I truly deserved. Now I can see I deserve a thousand times better than anything my ex was offering.
Like ≠ Love
Like, I gives a f*ck
Being insecure is connected to another red flag that I saw in my ex which was his absolute desperation to be liked. He was so intent that everyone like him that he would even lie to convince himself someone liked him even if they actually didn’t. When you have such concern about people liking you, it means that you derive your sense of self, and your sense of self worth, from others. Of course this is understandable for people who cannot create their own happiness, but it is by no means acceptable.
Each of us should have our own sense of self worth that cannot be changed by anything outside of us. The only person who really needs to like you is you. Wanting others to like you and caring what others think gives away your power and allows others to control you. Sociopaths and narcissist are known for being very charming and quite likeable, but also for having deep seated disturbances that they cloak with their charm. That was most definitely my ex.
I had several friends, though not all, who either disliked my ex or felt there was something off about him. They often asked me why I was with him and would remind me that I was happier in the times when I left him. When my ex and I would argue over me hanging out with my friends, I expressed this to him, to which he would respond that those particular individuals knew that he was good for me. That was a lie he was telling himself while speaking to me.
After his last abusive incident, he sent some of my friends Facebook messages stating that he hoped they wouldn’t think differently of him and hoped they could remain friends. When they told me this they all said the same thing: that his message was creepy and awkward, especially because they didn’t even really know him and weren’t friends with him before anyway. My ex also called my Grandfather, whom he had only met once, to tell him he was sorry and that he “wanted to be a man about what had happened”. To this my Grandfather responded
“I don’t know why he’s been calling here asking for me. I’ve only met him once. To be honest I think he’s just trying to talk to me to get back to you.”
It wasn’t that he cared about what he had done; it was that he cared about his image and having exposed his true self to others, knowing his true self wasn’t nearly as likeable as the fake self he projected. It was that he didn’t want what he had done to me to affect the image he had created, that image was not who he truly was, but it was all he had. My ex never called my sister to apologize about the way he spoke to her, and could never apologize to me without trying to add an excuse or reason as if he had a justification for his abuse. He had called and sent those messages to the people he felt didn’t know him well and whom he felt he could still manipulate. All out of desperation to be liked.
Free Your Mind
…and the rest will follow
An open mind is a beautiful thing, the beauty of which can actually be felt. When you have an open mind possibilities are endless in all areas of life including relationships, interactions, and communications. You are open to new ideas, ways of thinking, and even ways of being. With an open mind, you can evolve. My ex did not have an open mind, and this stemmed from and also created his need for control.
It was obvious he did not have an understanding of how to control himself or his life, which was probably residual from his childhood and left him lost when he was on his own in adulthood. So his focus was to try to control others and circumstances through manipulation, to force others to watch the puppet show that he called his life. Due to the focus required to maintain such a show, this type of behavior and manipulation does not allow for an open mind. When you have a closed mind, your world is also closed and your life is stagnant.
Closed minded people will always think they’re right about everything because they are incapable of seeing the world from points of view outside of their own. If their case of closed mindedness is severe, they will even go so far as to conjure up lies or exaggerations to manipulate you into believing they are right and that you should do as they say or otherwise agree with them.
As I’ve outlined already, my ex didn’t have anything mentally or materially to convince me that he was a leader or knew how to get anything out of life without being selfish or deceitful. He wasn’t particularly bright and was definitely not wise; there were no signs about his life that showed he had made good decisions. Why would I listen to him? I didn’t, and any time I did to show that I was making an effort in the relationship, I regretted it.
Again, my ex knew how I felt about him in this regard, and constantly tried to manipulate. He once argued that I should take his advice on how to carry our relationship because I didn’t have any good examples from my family to refer to on relationships, but he did. From what I knew his father had also abused his mother, they had divorced when he was a child, and his father had gone on to have several children by several different women. His mother had told me many stories of strife caused by his father, and when I reminded him of this one day while we were eating out, he then told me that he had been raised exclusively by his paternal grandparents, and they had remained married, so therefore he had a good example to refer to.
This was some laughable bullshit, and the first I had heard of him being raised by his grandparents. By then we had been together on and off for about a year. Previously, he had told me that he was raised by his mother, and his mother had confirmed that when telling life stories, but now he was switching it up to give himself false credentials. This showed how he was willing to lie and manipulate in an attempt to be right or seem credible.
This red flag was exhibited often by my ex, with different topics; he wanted to either be right or for me to believe whatever he said even if it didn’t make sense. It was a set up for manipulation. Had I believed a lot of his crap he would’ve been lying and manipulating me to no end. This may have been one of the most common sources for our arguments because his statements were so contradictory and unbelievable and I would call him out on them.
I never once believed he was a man who could navigate life, and would never have followed him through life’s journey; that was my intuition talking. He simply did not have what it took for me to give my all and follow his lead. He knew this and it frustrated him, most likely because he couldn’t prove me wrong, and couldn’t fully convince me with his lies.
Happy People
This one is not just for the steppers
When a friend or lover can’t be happy for you in your achievements or even in the simple moments when you are enjoying yourself there is something wrong. They are either jealous or simply miserable themselves on the inside. I had a friend in addition to my ex who was like this. This “friend” of mine desperately wanted to get married and settle down. She was one of those women who wears a ton of makeup and wigs not just because she liked to, but because she was not happy with herself or what she looked like without them. It goes without saying that her insecurities were heavy.
When we would go out, she was often in a bad or down mood, and would make comments like the ones I mentioned from the Insecure Test earlier. I knew it was because she had low self-esteem, and felt sorry for her, but pity does little good for others. When I went to her home, it was completely empty, and I realized that it was because that’s how she felt on the inside.
When I got married she was extremely jealous because that was something she desperately wanted but struggled to obtain. She felt that she was doing everything right and couldn’t see how hippie love Synava got married before her. She made comments nearly every time we would meet that made her true sentiments clear.
Her unresolved and internal despair was preventing her from seeing within herself and addressing whatever it was that prevented her from having the things she really wanted. Eventually I got fed up with her bad attitude and told her all I had been observing. Of course she got upset and didn’t want to be friends anymore, but for me it was perfect timing because it represented that I had outgrown that relationship and part of my life. I had learned everything I needed from that friendship and was better because of it. It left me more inspired to be myself because I saw how fortunate I was to be content with who I am.
People who can’t stand to see others happy will go out of their way to steal the joy they see others experiencing, just as this “friend” did when we would hang out. My ex, he would always become more of a jerk when I was happiest. If my emotions ever surpassed his in the positive, he tried to bring me back down. When I would go out and drink and dance, he would always find something to argue with me about. When I was excited about something going on in my life, he was never happy or excited for me. He wanted my happiness to be derived from him as his was derived from me, and that is wrong. We should all be able to create our own happiness not be dependent upon others for it. But those who cannot create are forever dependent.
I will tell someone when they are wrong, that is part of my nature. For every red flag listed here there were countless arguments between my ex and I resulting from my speaking up. Rather than arguing though, I should’ve left his broke, selfish, double standard having, always wanting to be right, desperate, nosey, thinks he knows everything, jealous, closed minded, insecure ass in the dust less than two months after I met him. It would have saved me a lot of grief. I know I am better than that, and have always been.It was my kindness and willingness to try that caused me to fall into one of the worst relationships I’ve ever been in. Though I will not stop being kind or willing to try, I now have a better understanding of what to look out for, how and when to address it, and what to do should I encounter any of these red flags again.
Any one of us can fall victim to people who exhibit the red flags I’ve described. I had thought I knew better, as I’m sure many people do, but the truth is so many people are manipulated or otherwise taken advantage of everyday. Remember, as much as you may look for these red flags in others, be sure to look for them within yourself too. The people you notice these red flags in are always ready to point the finger back at you. Give yourself the advantage of already knowing and actively working on yourself, because I can just about guarantee you they are not. These are by no means all the red flags out there; there is so much more to see, as will be discussed in upcoming chapters. But the biggest and best observation we can make is that of our true selves.
*Music by: BANKS – Goddess
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