They say you never get a second chance to make a first impression. It took about two months from when we first met for me to solidify a first impression of my ex, and he was never able to come back from that. It took that long because I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I ended up doing that through to the end of the relationship, though after only two months I had come to know everything I needed to about him. Nothing would change; he never got better or showed that he had more to offer than my initial interpretation. His efforts only further exposed his shortcomings and made it obvious that he couldn’t maintain anything lasting without some form of deceit.
People’s priorities are often different at different stages of life. A 21 year old may not necessarily have the same goals and surroundings as a 37 year old. But when it comes to considering someone to settle down with or have any sort of serious relationship with, male or female, intimate or casual, consider what they have to show for themselves and for their life up to that point. Not just in material things, but in personality, knowledge, and character. There are a lot of people out there who may seem well off materially, but are lacking significantly in character. There are also clues that will tell you everything you need to know about a person. Here are some of the red flags that gave me my first (and last) impressions of my ex.
Get Some Smarts
Even better, get someone with some smarts, in addition to getting smart yourself
The first red flag was his inability to carry on an intelligent conversation. He didn’t read; the few books he did have in his possession he hadn’t read. The few times I was able to engage him in stimulating conversation on things he claimed were of interest to him, he referred to the Facebook posts of others on the topics as if that were to suffice for him having his own opinion. While we can all converse on the latest in pop culture, if you cannot engage a potential partner in a conversation of substance about anything that requires true thought or a level of interest to even them, don’t go any further.
There is no sense at all in settling for someone who can’t think for themselves or formulate an opinion and support that opinion without being influenced by others; that is actually more of a description of a follower. Someone who can’t think for themselves can’t do for themselves, their community, and least of all you. A thinker is not necessarily a bookworm but rather someone who has ideas, perspective, and most importantly an open mind.
Anybody Home?
Knock Knock…Red Flag!
The next major red flag with my ex was his home. When you walk into a person’s home you should see signs of their passion or personality, even if they are a 21 year old college student. What you can see inside the home is a glimpse of what is inside the person. A person’s home will tell you if they are at a crossroads or some other transitional stage in life, if they are at a great place in their life, if their home is disorganized and messy, or spotless and clean, that all says something. Do they hoard? That means something. Are there rooms you can’t go into, and if so why? You can look and tell what type of person you are dealing with. The question to ask is do you want what you see to be blended with your life?
There was nothing present in my ex’s home that showed character or expression of personality, what his interests were, places he had been, experiences he had had. His apartment was bare bones and in a shabby location. He kept it clean, I’ll give him that, but he also had a bug problem, so keeping it clean kept the roaches at bay. Inside his apartment looked more like the dwellings of a 19 year old just starting out rather than a 37 year old man; nothing on the walls, just a sofa, a TV, and a bed in the bedroom.
He had been living in that place for at least two years, maybe more, and still hadn’t turned it into a home. That was a sign not only of his priorities or lack thereof, but that if he was unable to create an abode for himself then he sure as hell wouldn’t be able to add anything of value to my life. Oh, and if a person’s car is nicer than their home, call a cab and get the hell out of there. They are all about external image, and give no energy to their internal state of being.
No Scrubs
I’ll take a large slice of life please, hold the scrubs
Earlier on when we were dating, there were several times when my ex and I would go out to eat and he would get up from the table when the bill came. He would go to the restroom and be in there a ridiculous amount of time. No he wasn’t simply taking a shit. He had gotten up from the table to avoid paying or even contributing to the bill. After he had done this a few times I confronted him about it to which he responded that he didn’t feel men should be the only ones to pay when eating out. After I brought it up, he never did it again, but that was a red flag soaring high with the word “LOSER” on it. Who the hell does that? You got it: Losers…broke, selfish, sorry ones.
Of course, that behavior did carry over into our home life. Before he moved in with me he spent 99.9% of his time at my place, usually only going home to get more clothes or if I told him I needed some space. Because he wasn’t working a real job he would be at my place more hours in a day than I was, and he never once offered to contribute to any of the bills. My electricity bill went up by approximately $100 per month over the span of time he was staying there before we officially moved in together.
My grocery bill also went up by approximately $100 per month ($25 per week) or more, and when I confronted him about the bills he got pissed and responded with “I was gonna offer you some money.” Gonna, huh? When?! Was I magically supposed to know that after three months of him being at my place and getting no offer to help from him that he would offer so close to the day I confront him? What I did know, intuitively not magically, was that he would never have offered had I not said something. I never should have let him stay there that long without contributing in the first place; so much for giving benefit of the doubt. He was a freeloading bum and would’ve taken advantage of me as long as I let him. “I was gonna offer” was an excuse I had heard only one time before from another major bum I can remember dating years prior. It is also an excuse other women have told me they’ve heard from bums they’ve encountered as well. So apparently “I was gonna offer” is bum code for “My name is so-and-so, and I’m a bum ass individual.”
Though I cooked almost every day, my ex would complain if I asked him to pick up anything from the store or contribute to purchasing the groceries. How one could eat someone else’s food everyday yet have a problem contributing, and furthermore, have to be asked to contribute is still beyond me. Another time, we were going to purchase a mattress together and split the cost in half. My ex did not want to contribute his full half because he thought my father was going to pay a larger portion of the cost for my birthday; which shouldn’t have mattered. If we had agreed to split the cost, then he should’ve paid his half without trying to calculate money that was not his nor had anything to do with him. It was another example of him wanting to piggyback off of someone else’s money and that is, again, the red flag of a freeloading bum. These are all signs of a broke and/or selfish individual who lives off of and has no regard for others.
As a side note, never confuse helping to lift your partner up with being your partner’s surrogate parent. If your partner is showing, consistently, that they want more out of life by articulating and pursuing their dreams, going to school, actively building a business, working towards a promotion or whatever it may be, and still does their part to contribute WITHOUT you having to ask, that is much different than supporting a partner who drives Uber for a few hours a day, has no specific goals, and crashes at your place like they live there though they don’t contribute anything at all. You shouldn’t have to ask; someone who takes showers at your place, uses your electricity, and eats your food needs to offer. Period.
Double Standards? In 2017? Screw That Noise
Double your fun; don’t deal with double standards!
Tying into my ex’s broke down bum tendencies were his double standards. Although I do believe in there being differences in what men and women should do when dating and courting, double standards are not okay in my book. To start, my ex had a huge problem with reciprocating the respect and privacy I gave him, and this only made me push back harder. Believe it or not, I am a very private person, and believe in treating others how I want to be treated. If someone is treats me in a way I know they wouldn’t want to be treated, then I believe in giving them a dose of their own medicine!
For a long time, I never went through my ex’s phone, never questioned where he was going or when he would be back (unless it was during the day and I needed him for something, he didn’t have a real job so what the hell else could he be doing). I never tried to force him to be forthcoming with anything because people should be allowed to open up at their own pace, and going through someone’s phone or questioning their every move shows lack of trust.
I tried showing my ex how to treat me by treating him the way I would want. What I got in return was someone who looked over my shoulder on several occasions to get my lock screen code, went through my phone almost as much as I did often when I wasn’t there, and even started to take my phone from me by force so he could go through it. I knew my ex was insecure, but my father once told me he who does not trust cannot be trusted. So, I began to think that he must have something in his phone that makes him want to always see what was in mine. The few times I went through his phone it was because he had gone through mine, but I immediately realized he was dragging me into behavior that wasn’t me and that I wouldn’t normally engage in.
Simply put, he was dragging me down. A partner should uplift you and show you what it is like to be in a loving and trusting relationship, as I had tried with my ex; if they don’t, drop ‘em! Whatever discomfort he felt that led him to go through my stuff is irrelevant; the discomfort itself should have been enough for him to back away. If someone makes you feel that you can’t trust them, you don’t need them. What you need is to either find someone you can trust, or find the internal source of your insecurities.
My ex would also snoop through my things when I wasn’t home, he would go through my papers and other personal belongings; I never did any of this to him, in my opinion it’s just plain disrespectful. He even tried manipulating me to give him the combination to my safe, which now I can’t use because that privacy has been violated. He told me that he wanted to use my safe to store his gun, which made no sense because not only did he already have a lockbox for it, but if he did need it in a hurry he would have to go through the motions to open it.
He disliked me going out to party, though he himself did it. He wanted to know my every move, where I was going and with who, though I never questioned him in such a way. He always tried to pressure me to tell him things about my past, and when I didn’t want to he tried to make me feel guilty for not doing so. He never once saw how I gave him the respect and freedom he was so diligently trying to take from me. His insecurities and need for control blinded him to any positive interpretation of my behavior, and that is a sad state to be in.
A real funny double standard was when he shunned the idea of me doing boudoir photos, which I love. I found this to be particularly contradictory because he had claimed he felt looking at half naked women online (though he didn’t approve of me doing it with men) was ok because it was like “looking at a form of art”. This was coming from a guy who doesn’t own even a single piece of art, and had never brought up an interest in art prior; puhleeez. So I thought, ok, being that I see boudoir photos as art I wanted to do shoots and share them as an artistic expression. Thinking it may not be appropriate to do while in a relationship, I hadn’t gone through with it before, but now that it was out there that it was “a form of art” to both of us, why not?
Of course he wouldn’t have that. People, please don’t make up excuses like having a false interest in art to cover up your petty indulgences or prevent your partner from doing the something parallel to what you’re doing, especially if you’re insecure. Chances are you won’t be able to back yourself up when your partner wants to become “artistically expressive”. If your partner can do you one better, you risk further injury to your own ego. Big red flag.
Boy “Friends” & Girl “Friends”
Who dat is?
This next one was a red flag more so for him than for me. My ex persistently wanted me to get rid of my male friends, but I wouldn’t. I didn’t want to get rid of male friends I had met during our breakups because I found them far more interesting than he. In addition to the physical part, at least with many of them I could have conversations and be myself.
I didn’t want to introduce my ex to my male friends from before we met because I had dated most of them and quite frankly would’ve been embarrassed to introduce someone like him to men I had actually loved, who had their lives together, and who were everything he was not. As an analogy, it would’ve been like introducing your current boyfriend who works in a factory, and whom you don’t even love, to a previous lover, who owns the factory and was crazy about you. That should’ve been a red flag for him. It signified the position he really held with me, that he wasn’t enough for me. You should always be enough for your partner, and they enough for you, remember that.
Though I knew about some of his female friends, he would reach out to old friends I knew nothing about when he felt insecure about us. I didn’t care, I was hoping someone from either his past or present would come and take him off my hands so I could enjoy my future. What bothered me was that in essence he was contradicting himself, and without consistency, I couldn’t respect him or his wishes. So his requests seemed pushy, controlling, and ego driven which made me less willing to conform to him. As a result, I rebelled. I did what I wanted and how I wanted because it was my way of preserving my sense of self, and expressing that he would not control my life. It was also my way of expressing that if he wasn’t willing to compromise and love me the way I felt I deserved to be loved then he would get nothing of real value from me in return, and could kick rocks for all I cared.
In some instances I compromised to show that I could and would do more if he would only compromise in making the relationship comfortable for me as well. That never happened, because he wanted it all to be his way and to his comfort level. The instances in which I gave, he only took and demanded more. That was a red flag for me. My behavior and words should’ve been a red flag for him because it blatantly expressed to him that my feelings for him weren’t strong enough for me to make changes. My behavior showed that I did not want him the way he wanted me. Perhaps he figured if he was persistent enough, I would cave.
All of these red flag issues were major sources of arguments for us, and because we could never see eye to eye, I told him often that I wanted to end the relationship, that I wasn’t willing to give my all, and that he wasn’t the one for me nor I the one for him. I told him to find someone else. I told him that I didn’t love him. I wanted him to know the truth, to be honest and stop wasting time, for both of us. If someone tells you any of these things, they’re being honest and that’s more than a red flag, that’s a cue to leave. But my ex, he could never let go.
*Music By: ID3 – Discolour Us
Header image: Blue Eyed Man Staring at the Mirror © Creative Common Stock Photos | Dreamstime.com. Shielding Hands © Creative Common Stock Photos | Dreamstime.com. Meme images: Used by permission © Kristi King-Counter.