We were at a pool party; I looked over and saw him sitting at the edge of the pool with only his feet in. Even from my inconspicuous glance the attraction was strong and immediate. His skin was dark and smooth. When he smiled it was like catching a glimpse of an oasis; I almost wanted to stare longer to see if I could catch it again. His body language told me he was quiet yet confident, humble even. It was incredibly magnetic, to encounter a man who didn’t have to go out of his way to attract.

In the blink of an eye I imagined myself sitting on his lap while facing him. My hair and body wet from the pool, dripping streams down his soft dark skin; gliding my fingers up his bicep, to his neck, then from his neck, to his juicy lips, briefly, then taking my fingers from his lips, lightly over the tip of his ear, and into his hair. I could see myself looking into his eyes wanting to kiss passionately, but also wanting to enjoy the ardency of the moment.

Needless to say, from the moment I saw him, I wanted him. There was no doubt I could make my fantasy come true. At the pool, men were coming from left and right trying to get my friend and I to party with them either there or afterwards, but I had seen what I wanted and that was it. If he didn’t come talk to me, I was sure to go and talk to him. My plan was to dive beneath the water, pop up between his submerged feet like a mermaid and commence to flirting, but there was no need for that.  Soon, a messenger was sent.

I’d heard about the party that morning and immediately called my friend to see if she would go, knowing she would. We had been partying together all summer; just about every night. She was my wing woman and I hers. Whenever something was going on, we were there, together. So when I said pool party she said “I’m getting ready now.” As we danced in the water, drinks in hand, a guy came over and began making conversation. He was hanging with my chocolate fantasy, so I welcomed him with a friendly grin.

Earlier that morning, my ex had called me and initiated yet another argument out of the blue. I believe he was scolding me again for going out. He often complained about me going out with friends or not telling him where I was all the time. This argument was brief and, much like all the others, to me had no real cause or purpose. We had been dating for four months and I was beyond ready to let it go. All we did was argue redundantly, and it was obvious he wasn’t going to change and neither was I. This particular argument ended with him saying that we should take a few days off from seeing each other to cool down.

It didn’t seem that serious to call for such a solution, so I began to think he had initiated the argument to come up with an excuse for us to not see each other. Before hanging up he told me he wanted us to think about our relationship, and that he would be staying at home with no plans for the day. Yeah, ok. This all struck me as pretty convenient since he had friends visiting from out of town. To me what it really meant was he wanted go out without having to reciprocate all that he asked of me.

I brushed it off and let it slide, by that point it made no difference to me either way. Now, as I was swirling in the water with my new found crush, lo and behold, my ex showed up. Though I hadn’t expected to see him there specifically, I knew he wasn’t going to be at home thinking about us as he claimed he would, and as he wanted me to be. So I ignored him; after all it was his idea that we take a “few days off” from each other. My friend however, wasn’t going to ignore it. She knew about all of our arguments and that they were over me going out while not making my ex privy to my whereabouts. I had even told her about our argument that morning and how impromptu it was. She always maintained that our relationship wasn’t working, that I was so much happier when he and I were apart.

“Is that Al?!” she exclaimed aloud as if she wanted him to hear.

“I think so.” I told her, remaining indifferent.

“What the fuck?”

“Now you see why I do what I do.” I told her. “He started that argument with me this morning then, remember, said we should take a few days to cool off.” I smirked.

As she looked in my ex’s direction, her face began to relax and I could tell that she now understood. His double standards were showing, as they had been to me since he and I first started dating. We continued to enjoy the party with our new company and it didn’t take long before my ex got tired of me ignoring him. He soon came over to the stairs of the pool and pointed at me until I acknowledged him. By then my chocolate fantasy knew I had something like a boyfriend, the status of our relationship, and even the argument of that morning, but he didn’t care; they never do.

Eventually I got out of the pool just to go back and forth with my ex about why each of us was there without having told or invited the other. Of course the conversation didn’t go anywhere; he wanted to focus on me being in the wrong but was unwilling to acknowledge that he was engaging in the same behavior he was complaining to me about. Like always he had an excuse for himself; the usual hypocrisy. I remained nonchalant, got back in the pool and finished out the party there. My ex and his friends left before we did. When my friend and I did leave it was us four instead of us two.

Afterwards we went and grabbed something to eat at Hussong’s inside Mandalay Bay. There I got to speak more openly with my chocolate crush. We talked about our travels, hobbies, current and future goals, and the like. His voice was incredibly sexy, he spoke low and smiled often; that smile. Earlier his vibe had called to me from across the pool, now it was seducing me from inches away as we sat at the bar. We both knew what we wanted, and soon headed back to his hotel room. As we walked down the hotel hallway, my ex called. Now he wanted to meet and talk. My chocolate crush looked at me as he unlocked his room door and I rushed my ex off the phone, promising to call back later. I was going to enjoy this.

Once alone, we spoke in silence as we got undressed. It almost felt like we had been together before and there was an eagerness to do it again. Every touch and every kiss was well placed, his lips felt even more amazing than I had imagined. Before long he had me moaning in absolute bliss, twisting my wrists as I gripped the sheets. We rolled around, changing positions and alternating dominance, as if we had carefully orchestrated it all beforehand. It flowed. Time didn’t exist to me, so of course I lost track.

As we lay on our sides he squeezed my hips from behind, I arched my back and licked my lips as I turned so he could see the expression of passion on my face. Each time I expressed pleasure he would whisper in my ear to confirm he knew he was hitting the right spot. He was about to climax, it was his turn. Then…my phone rang. Guess who it was.

It’s only fair to be honest about the things that I did wrong while in that relationship with my ex. I was incredibly unfaithful, which was wrong. The things I said to my ex, though true, were surely hurtful, and I should never have put myself in a position to have had to say them. I was stubborn and unwilling to give all that he asked of me because I felt I wasn’t receiving what I wanted. Even so, of all the things I did wrong the only things I regret doing were not leaving and staying gone sooner. Each time I left I allowed him to lure me back even though in my heart I knew there was nothing to go back to; that was wrong. I knew better and I had a choice.

That wasn’t the first or the last time I was unfaithful, and it was no secret to my ex. He knew. When we got married was the only time I made an effort to be monogamous. In the back of my mind I thought that there was a possibility that my ex was doing the same thing during our relationship, but there was also a big part of me that felt maybe he wasn’t. All those things, all those red flags made it literally impossible for me to be faithful to him.

Though he always argued with me about going out, not inviting him, or mentioning where I was going he did the same to me. In fact, it was his initiating this behavior that made me feel so comfortable doing it in the first place. The only differences were I did it more often, and I didn’t care enough to complain when he did it. In the beginning I would invite him out and try to include him in things I did. Now he had set the stage with me as far as I was concerned and was reaping what he had sown. It baffled me how he wanted to be in my mix, but never tried to make me a part of his unless it was for show. It wasn’t until he saw I didn’t care about what he did or about being included by him, when he saw I enjoyed myself without and outside of him, that was when he became argumentative about my extracurriculars.

It took my ex a minute to realize that I wasn’t dependent on him for my enjoyment, social life, or anything else for that matter. By the time he came to this realization it was too late though, I had already seen his double standards for what they were. He was under the impression that he could go out, do whatever and I would be hassling him, from home. That’s why he was at the same pool party just hours after he had initiated another argument, clearly fulfilling an ulterior motive. In reality it was the other way around; he was constantly hassling me in the midst of my fun.

I was very verbal about how I felt, as that to me seems like a fair way to be with anyone. My attempts to end the relationship usually began with me trying to talk to him and explain why things weren’t working, why we should just part ways. Often I would tell him that we should see other people or have an open relationship, thinking that would be an appealing compromise for him; he never agreed. There was even one occasion in which I told him that most of my former lovers would still be around, at least as friends, even after he was long gone (which has proven true). The intensity of my honesty was always matched with the intensity of his manipulation. I told him I wasn’t in love, that most of the time I didn’t even like him. He told me that not only did I like him but that I loved him.

That’s what he wanted to hear, regardless of what actually came out of my mouth. What he wanted to hear was all that mattered. Many times I thought to just dump him outright, tell him there was nothing there and to get the hell away from me. He would always argue me down and convince me to stay just a little longer to see how it’d go. When I did stay it didn’t take long for things to go back to the way they were. Most if not all abusers do that. Now I realize I pitied him, and that was yet another major mistake. At the most difficult times, the alternative was to use my actions, hoping he’d realize that something must be missing for me to behave in such a way. Even when the end of our relationship became inevitable my ex told me that no matter what I did, including cheating, he wasn’t going to let go. I wanted to scream! For God’s sake, why wouldn’t he just find someone else?!

Was it wrong to say such things to him? With tact, absolutely not! The truth is something negative people can’t stand, especially if it doesn’t reflect them well. As I’ve mentioned previously, people who live their lives in the negative can only either latch onto others or put forth a façade. Creation only comes from the positive; positive doesn’t always mean good, but it does mean having belief or faith either in oneself or endeavors, etc.  In speaking the truth aloud, the reality of our relationship was undeniable. When my ex heard the truth from me it only made him become more forceful in trying to maintain the lie that was our relationship; I’m sure he applied this method to other areas in his life as well.

My combined actions of infidelity and verbalizing a desire to end the relationship were major red flags in themselves. With words and actions I showed him and myself how I felt about our relationship, where he stood with me, and what my priorities were. If someone you desire exhibits the behaviors I showed to my ex, then they are simply not into you and you need to take yourself elsewhere. On the other hand, if you feel the need to do any of those things to another then you need to leave, move on, and reevaluate what you want. And let’s not ignore that if someone refuses to acknowledge such blatant intimate rejection, chances are they have some deep seated and possibly dangerous issues. Stay away.

Later, my ex would try to justify his abusive behavior by referencing these things I did, but let’s be clear there is NEVER an excuse for abuse. From where I stand no one should put their hands on another outside of reasonable discipline for children, unless they are defending themselves, defending a loved one, or responding to an imminent threat of harm. Furthermore, I made no effort to keep my ex around or make him endure negativity; he was free to leave at any time, even at my suggestion on countless occasions.

My behavior was my way of pushing back against a relationship I didn’t want. I hated enduring all his red flag behaviors, I hated pretending like we were happy for the sake of “trying”, but more than anything I hated not being free. I wasn’t free to be myself in any way. My ex had no sense of self and was envious of mine. That envy was one of many reasons why he was so controlling; it fed his inability to let go that I’ve spoken about, it sourced his desperation. He couldn’t let go of the only thing that made his life seem significant, for he had nothing else. To let go meant he would have to start over, and in the process admit that he didn’t have what it took to obtain and maintain something he wanted.

Deep down, I felt I deserved better. Hell I had done better in previous relationships, including the casual ones. Even while dating my ex I attracted men who had great careers, ambition, passion, manners, conversation, good looks, and more. Why would I have given that up to be exclusive with a guy who seemed more like the one night stand type to me? I couldn’t, and I didn’t, and to this day I don’t regret it. I had some passionate and fun experiences, and met some great people. But the bigger issue was: why did I settle for him in the first place? If I could do better, then why didn’t I?

The answer to this question was found through introspection, and of course a lot of honesty with myself this time. I had to take time to reflect on myself, what I like and dislike, what ignites my inner passion, how do I want to express myself, what do I want to be, what do I believe I deserve? The answers to all these questions and more were always within me, though I hadn’t allowed them to be fully expressed. Outwardly I wasn’t able to reflect what I was feeling inside. That had to change or I would be dooming myself to living a cycle of incomplete happiness.

Though I may have felt I deserved better than my ex, it was apparent that I wasn’t acting out of that belief. That inability led to me to settle for a miserable situation, a relationship with him. My ex knew this instinctively and thought he would get a steal on love with someone out of his league. All he had to do was convince me that I was correct in my discounted estimation of self-worth. My relationship with my ex, and even with some of my friends from that time frame, made me realize I had to put forth who I was unapologetically, lest I fall victim to the wrong type of people and circumstances. It became clear that I had a choice all along of what I wanted my life and my relationships to be; I had only but to choose and remain steadfast. Thus began a major awakening.

I’ve since become willing to admit that my spirit is one that demands freedom and respect. To inhibit it causes pressure I cannot and should not bear. It also causes the rebellious and inconsiderate behavior I exhibited in my relationship with my ex. Now I will choose, I will be what is appealing to me rather than what society suggests I should do or have or be. I know the contents of my heart and have to prove them to no one. My time will be mine, and I will dedicate it to the people and causes I love. My laughs will be genuine. Knowing I am a good person, knowing I am talented and have so much to offer the world, how could I allow that to be suppressed? How could I not be, to the fullest, all the wonderful things that I have been endowed with?

No more. From now on I am everything I want to be, and will enjoy this experience until my last breath; giving, loving, creating, sharing, evolving. Something so beautiful should be protected, but not kept inside. My lesson learned, I can say with full confidence that things in life, internal or external, will not be aligned properly until you are being true to your genuine self. That relationship showed me how it feels to be a prisoner of another, of my circumstances, and even of society. For a spirit like mine that experience was an incredibly heavy burden. The results of my choices showed me the consequences of not living my life to the fullest.

I love my only obligations being the betterment of myself, the betterment of the world and my surroundings. I love my freedom, and enjoy being free to experience as many people as I want; I love the interactions that that brings. I enjoy coming and going as I please, sleeping and rising as I please. I enjoy spontaneity, going at my own pace, learning, and being an example of freedom of life to my child. I enjoy not having to wait on others and not needing others to have a good time. I am a beautiful person, I am unorthodox, and I am unique. We all are and none of us should allow anyone or anything to take away our freedom of expression or freedom of self, for it is that very freedom which brings forth evolution and beauty on this planet.

Should there be any confusion, as a rule, freedom of self and of expression should not harm others. That said, imagine how the world might be if each of us expressed ourselves with love and respect for all things. Imagine the level of continuous evolution we could achieve if we didn’t just go along or agree with things, knowing that they are wrong, simply because someone we know is saying or doing them.

Who are you? Don’t answer quickly! It has taken your lifetime up to this point to develop who you are so it should take more than a moment to articulate it. For me being able to say I know who I am, I like that person, and I will be that person was one of the best parts of getting out of that relationship with my ex. There is no reason not to be you; I’ve been there and there is definitely no reason to be what someone else wants you to be if it’s not your best self. These realizations are the reasons why all the things I did wrong in that relationship felt so right. The things I did wrong were the things that made me realize the most about myself.

*Music by: Chrome Sparks – The Meaning of Love